A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn’t they just throw out the pest.
“Oh I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”
Q: What gets colder as it warms up?
A: An air conditioner!
JAY LENO – TOP TEN INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT AIR CONDITIONING
|Often abbreviated as A.C.|
Invented by the same person who invented hair conditioner
When proposing, half of men give an air conditioner instead of a diamond ring
Ancient Egyptians employed a form of primitive air conditioning called “wind”
Dick Cheney conducts many financial misdeeds in air conditioned rooms
Without it, Miami would be a ghost town
The European Union won’t accept Poland as a member until after all their air conditioners are Energy Star compliant
Concept of variable settings introduced by Ed Low and Jim High
That familiar hum? The compressor releasing deadly hydrogen sulfide
20% of all air conditioning in the United States is used in the Ed Sullivan Theater
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way.” I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne.
God addresses Al first. “Al, what do you believe in?” Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if anymore freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”
God thinks for a second and says “Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.”
God then addresses Bill Clinton. “Bill, what do you believe in?” Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.” God thinks for a few second and says, “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”
God then address Bill Gates. “Bill Gates, what do you believe?” Bill Gates said, “I believe you’re in my chair.”
Moving to Arizona
May 30: Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people take this kind of heat? At least it’s a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got third-degree burns over 60 percent of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson, though: Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
July 20: I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and [expletive]. No more pets in this heat!
July 25: Dry [expletive] heat, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,100 in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4: 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman went in my pool. I hate this [expletive] state.
Aug 8: If another wise ass cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to tear his [expletive] throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted [expletive] Garfield!
Aug 10: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: hot and sunny. It’s been too hot for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn barren desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the [expletive] pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat.
Aug 14: Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the [expletive] windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30: Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The [expletive] monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it. We’re moving back to New York for some peace and quiet.
Q: What do you call a roll of duct tape?
A: Red neck chrome.
Q: Why is duct tape like “The Force”?
A: Because it has a Light side and a Dark side and it holds the Universe together.
THE WORLD OF DUCT TAPE
“God made the world, duct tape holds it together” (unknown author)
Duct tape was invented for the U.S. Military during World War II. The original use was to keep the moisture out of the ammunition cases. Because it was waterproof, people referred to the tape as “Duck Tape.” Also, the tape was made using cotton duck – similar to what was used in their cloth medical tapes. Military personnel quickly discovered that the tape was very versatile and used it to fix their guns, jeeps, aircraft, etc. After the war, the tape was used in the booming housing industry to connect heating and air conditioning duct work together. Soon, the color was changed from Army green to silver to match the ductwork and people started to refer to duck tape as “Duct Tape.” (By the way, “Duck Tape” is now a registered trademark of Duck® brand (a division of Henkel Consumer Adhesives) in Avon, Ohio.
Today, duct tape continues to have many uses from emergency repairs to new creations. Sealing of air conditioning ductwork is not one of those uses. The adhesive does not hold up in the heat of your attics and crawl spaces. Hobaica Services uses a mastic sealant for the sealing of ductwork to provide a permanent seal. Save the duct tape for those household emergencies.